Saturday Morning

Follow this step-by-step guide and you will be feeling great. Or at least a little better.
- Eat a banana. Something I read about potassium. It's supposed to help and has never failed me in the past.
- Lipton's Chicken Noodle soup. Sodium content capable of killing you, but you're hungover and you'll worry about that later.
- Tetley Orange Pekoe. 'Nough said.
- Stay away from loud people. This rule should be maintained even when not fighting off the after effects of the night before.

Feeling better?

Declan

Feeling Inspired

Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion.

The Crazies: A Review

The sound of fingernails on a chalk board used to give me the chills. I used to fear that a zombie apocalypse was inevitable. I felt confident that I would be able to see any calamity coming, and avoid it with my wits and plenty of planning.
The finger nails on the chalk board were thus my biggest fear in life. The uncomfortable, sometimes nauseating sound they propelled with great speed was completely out of my hands. If any half-wit desired to get under my skin, there was nothing I could do to avoid it. It is this inevitability that is only found in horror movies which is able to stir me with such capability.
Horror movies are a personal favorite of mine. I like the way they build up suspense and unleash it with the timing which seems so reckless, but you know deep down is actually very calculated. I love the way they have evolved from eighties slasher flicks which cut away at the best moments, leaving the viewer with nothing but a shadow of the soon to be deceased member of the story, and the ruthless killer, to what they are today, some of the most unforgiving moments of cinematic adventure one can bear to witness. The question in horror movies has switched from asking "when can we show gore?" to "when should we avoid gore?".
It seems that Romero's films have garnished a great deal of relevancy in the past few years. The public is craving his psychotic mix of gore and public critique.
After seeing a remake of a Romero classic last night, this fear of fingernails meeting blackboard has been replaced.
My new fear is the omnipresence of neighbors slowly turning into homicidal maniacs. This fear is triggered by the sound of a pitchfork dragging across a tile floor. A hunting knife scraping slowly, unceasingly, along a bare concrete wall, leaving a trail of still warm blood. That is the difference between a traditional zombie movie and "The Crazies". Zombies don't creep around in the background, waiting with weapons and their malicious intent. A zombie is unaware that it is a zombie. In the crazies, the people are still people, only they have been transformed into maniacs with one goal in mind. Killing everyone.
"The Crazies" centers around a small community in the southern United States who find themselves falling victim to a spill of chemicals into their modest water supply. Slowly, but surely, the virus spreads through the community. There is nothing slow, however, about the pace which the townsfolk are dying. One amazing thing about this film is the variety of ways the "infected" and uninfected meet their end. There is no end to the forms of tortuous deaths which appear in the crazies; whether it is the traditional gunshot, the highly effective bone saw, or the timeless act of arson, death is something which does not get old in this film. The film does maintain the classic aspects of any Romero film such as the failed involvement of the military, the ability of a small town to rise up (sometimes more literally felt in Romero's zombie films) and the sappy ending. The only thing different about the ending of the crazies, and perhaps we should blame the director or the studio's desire to produce a sequel, is the romantic walk into the sunset, only the viewer is savvy to the spread of the virus and the future plans of quarantine.
All in all, the crazies is a fantastic movie. If you're looking for a mystery with plenty of plot twists, you will be disappointed. If you're looking for a romantic movie starring the next Hollywood heartthrobs, you will likely end up puking in the theatre. And finally, if you are looking to learn anything aside from how to survive an apocalyptic situation, you will leave and most likely request your money back.

Long live Romero.

Declan

Goons on the Road

Everything you are about to read is original thought. Everything you see is stolen.

I have written in the past about the re-surgence of punk music, mentioning bands like Holy Fuck, The Soft Pack and musicians like Jemina Pearl. Now I feel it’s about time I pluck another band out of the sesspool that is popular music and plunge them into my simmering stew of attitude driven, alcohol fueled collection of beats, riffs and exhalation.

One band I feel everyone needs to know can be found right now driving their decrepit van across America, with stops in Los Angeles, a few shows at the ever-popular SXSW in Austin, Texas and then on up to Brooklyn. On every stop there is no doubt the crowd will be entertained not only by the energetic live sets these drunk surfers put on, but also by the hilariously offside lyrics which accompany the traditional surf-punk instrumentals. What these lads lack in musical ability is more than made up for by their love of music, fun, beer, cigarettes and women. Just one listen to songs like “The Slapper”(“we got married at a boxing match... even though they didn’t have a ring”) , “Beer $$$”(“well its true, i stole your money... I spent it on beer and friends“), or my personal favourite from “For a Girl” (“i understand i shouldn’t smoke, but im a smoking kind of bloke and i promise not to choke im not from choking kind of folk... So roll your love for me, ill gladly have a toke“). With regard to the offside lyrics, pay special attention to the song “Fingered”.

So, if you’re Lucky enough to be near LA, Austin or Brooklyn go check out The Goons of Doom. I guarantee you won’t be let down. And shit, if you are, Aaron will refund your ticket costs.

For more about the goons, check them out on myspace www.myspace.com/thegoonsofdoom

Declan

Guns & Ammo: Handguns - Magazine Review

There are a few nice things about living where I live; I like the location, I like the set-up of the house, I like the free parking, and I like the free magazine subscription that we get. I am not really sure how it happened but since September we have been receiving Guns & Ammo: Handguns Magazine. This is not a magazine that I would typically read but since the subscription was free I have really got into it, so much so that when the newest issue arrived I felt like a kid on Hanukah morning. For those not familiar with the magazine (anyone who would be reading this) it’s a magazine dedicated specifically to handguns. The cover of the magazine always features a new handgun posed as though it is aiming at the reader, an aesthetic decision that I find almost says, “Read me or get shot.”

As most magazines, Handguns features various advertisements. The difference between Handguns and most magazines is that the advertisements are almost as interesting as the actual articles. Just quickly scanning through this month’s magazine I find one of the first advertisements: It is a picture of a woman’s hand with her fingernails painted. In the woman’s hand is an all black handgun. The background is completely black and there is white text saying “Ladies’ Home Companion” and a website. Other typical advertisements show provocatively dress women holding guns, pictures of the American flag and guns, futuristic looking guns, and/or some clever saying or phrase that compares the world to a gun (i.e.: Your world revolves quickly).

Equally as entertaining are the articles Handguns monthly publishes. One of my favourite articles in the newest issue was entitled “The Backup Place: It may not be convenient, but a second gun is good insurance”. This article is about the importance of always carrying two handguns. At first I got the impression they were talking about the importance for police or military to carry two guns but they are quick to point out that the article is directed towards ‘non-sworn citizens’. The article poses many logical arguments and reasons for carrying two guns such as: Even though one may not need more bullets than their primary gun carries who wants to be standing around after a gun fight with a partially empty gun (not me): What if your primary guns fails?: What if you drop your primary gun?: And you may need to arm someone else on the scene to help you control a situation. Next the author gives important tips for picking a secondary gun “I recommend picking one that you or anyone else can fire without any more instruction past ‘Point and pull the trigger’.”

Just like many magazines, Handguns also has a reoccurring format for their articles. What I mean is that every month they have similar articles such as the gun wish list which feature new gun related gadgets and cool devices (i.e.: a new scope that fits on your handgun). Another reoccurring article examines a particular gun and gives a review of that weapon. The article compares the selected handgun to others and gives some of the strengths and weaknesses of that tool. Finally, and probably my favourite, reoccurring genre of article relates to shooting tips. Keep in mind these are shooting tips for a handgun so they are particular. For example this month’s article explained Tips and Techniques for close combat with your gun. Of the many tips the Speed Rock is my favourite. The Speed Rock is a technique where you pop the handgun out of your holster and fire. In this technique the gun stays on the hip to save the time it takes to get it all the way up to one’s chest (Note: Anyone who has seen the movie Tombstone should be familiar with this move). Other similar articles have included, “how to make your target practice more human-like” and the importance of “practicing target practice directed towards shooting people in the limbs” (or non-fatal shots).

Upon finishing reading an entire issue of the magazine it is hard not to come to the conclusion that gun fights are typical occurrences. After reading an article I often find myself thinking, “Shit, I'll have to remember that for my next gun fight.” The beauty of the arguments made is that they create a world similar to the old Wild West. By reading these arguments the reader is altered into a mind frame where survival seems to be the only important thing, a mind frame I like to refer to as, “Just me and my gun.”

In conclusion Guns & Ammo: Handguns is a very entertaining and well put together magazine. Obviously a lot of its entertainment comes from the culture shock it presents and the ridiculousness of some of the articles; however, the magazine is surprisingly interesting and it often gives good arguments which help provoke thought. For those who are sick of reading magazines about what Snookie and the Situation wore to the Reality TV Awards, or who ranks as the hottest female news anchor, or what Oprah’s dog’s diet consists of, I highly recommend Handguns. Plus who knows, it might give you the advantage in your next gun fight!


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- Aaron